Call me Kitch-mael

When presented with a particularly unattractive item, my coworker told me to write it up by "emphasizing the nautical angle." My original copy read as follows:

"When you appear on deck in this nautically-themed jersey top, with its jaunty navy stripes and wide bateau neckline, you'll look just like Captain Ahab, in hot pursuit of the white whale of great style."

Surprisingly, I was asked for a re-write. My second attempt cited narwhals and scurvy.

My talents for fashion journalism go largely unappreciated.