Visa Adventures

After months of procrastination, I decided today was the day I apply for my visa--if only because its getting down to the wire and I'd hate to explain to friends and family that I'm staying state-side because I never got around to getting filling out the forms.

I assumed the process would be somewhat straight-forward, but I was wrong. If anything, it led to uncomfortable introspection that I was not at all prepared for.

One of the first questions I was asked was:

In times of either peace or war have you ever been involved in‚ or suspected of involvement in‚ war crimes‚ crimes against humanity or genocide?"

That's a pretty simple "no". Aside from the ant-holocaust my apartment faced last week, I'm hardly a natural born killer.

Have you ever been involved in‚ supported‚ or encouraged terrorist activities in any country? Have you ever been a member of‚ or given support to an organisation that has been concerned in terrorism?

This was just plain easy. No. At this point, I'm feeling a little smug. I've always been good at standardized tests and I'm pretty sure I'm knocking this one out of the park.


Have you ever‚ by any means or medium‚ expressed views that justify or glorify terrorist violence or that may encourage others to terrorist acts or other serious criminal acts?

I'm not going to lie, this one gave me pause. Even though I'd like further clarification as to the specific connotations of "glorify", I think I'm still pretty squarely in the "no." But the "serious criminal acts" really got me thinking. I've been known to peer-pressure my friends, especially my desert friends, into criminal acts of all kinds, such as theft, treason, and vehicular manslaughter. To expedite the process, I decided that those weren't really "serious" criminal acts, and stuck with "no" on this one as well.

But then we hit the big one:

Have you engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?

What? WHAT?!

Could you be a little more vague, please? I'd like to think I have "good character", but after some reflection the evidence points to the contrary. I smoke, drink, and have defaced public property. I am the founder and leader of an underground, militant organization that advocates vigilante justice against poor grammar (but not poor grammarians, to be fair.) Furthermore, while I've never been formally arrested (I checked 'no' on that box as well), I have spent some time contemplating the back seat of a police car.

Still, though, are those things all that bad? Whose scale of "good character" are we using here? WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME, FACELESS GOVERNMENT WEBSITE?!!?

In the end I checked "no." Because, when it comes down to it, I am more than ready to lie to get this visa taken care of. I guess that proves I should have checked "yes." It's a real Catch-22.