Open Letter to Rod Blagojevich

Dear Rod,

I owe you a serious debt of gratitude here. Right now I'm stuck in London, freezing in the cold, with a looming due date on a paper that's only half written. I should be hunkered down and over-caffeinated, with blisters on my fingers from typing out my essay--in a word, miserable. But I'm not. Because I have you.

After the election, political theater hit a painful intermission. Obama's victory was secure and Sarah Palin went back to whatever swamp of primordial ooze she sprang from. Just when things were looking desperate, a savior appeared, and I'm talking about you here, Rod.

Your initial crimes were pretty uninspiring, but I must say you've handled the aftermath with all the panache we've come to expect from corrupt Illinois officials. I've never seen such a flair for comedy combined with the power of pure evil. You're like the bastard love-child of Johnny Carson and Dick Cheney. Your appointment of Burris was an incredible coup de grace. I don't think that anyone in the grand history of the United States has said "fuck you" to the Senate majority leader so forcefully and without using the actual words or censurable hand gestures. Really. I've seen politicians use race as a bludgeon but, in your hands, it's more like a scalpel--pointed straight at Harry Reid's palpitating heart.

Touche.

Your post-impeachment press-conference reached heights of hilarity no other politician can ever hope to equal. I can't remember the last time a press conference made me laugh out loud. It was so literary, too. I especially liked the Marc Antony-esque refrain of "is that an impeachable offense?" (For the record, Blaggy, improvements in health care aren't exactly impeachable offenses but, to be fair, that's not what you're being impeached for. Perhaps you've managed to somehow MISS all the media reporting, but I'm sure they gave you some sort of memo: it was the corruption, man.)

But I digress. Your quotation of Tennyson was truly inspired. Allow me to send a bit of ole Tenny back at ya: Not tho' the soldier knew, someone had blunder'd… Charging an army, while all the world wonder'd.

That's you in a nutshell, Blaggy. Don't let a few little blunders rampant corruption and fraud keep you from charging the army of the world with all the derring-do of old-lady defrauders and war profiteers.